SPEAKER_01 0:00

We need to fill up our walls. We've got like no artwork and I wanna do a New Yorker cover somewhere or two or like a like a little collage of it. Collage, yeah, that's the word. You know how you like do the not a collage, but what's the term for when you put tiles or something? Yeah, like when you put a bunch of pictures together. We got mixed tiles once. Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 0:19

And that worked for a little while, but it's hard because it gets so close to like between clutter and like art. Yeah. There's a fine line to it, yeah.

SPEAKER_01 0:30

And I'm pretty sure I don't have it. Welcome to an endless supply of nothing. I'm out of Paris.

SPEAKER_00 0:40

I'm Connie Foley.

SPEAKER_01 0:41

We are about to explore the absurd in a truly absurd way. We dare you to take us seriously. So I have a story to tell you to kick this off. And I I feel like this story is just gonna encapsulate the whole journey today, Khan. Okay. I'm not clunky, right? I'm not clumsy. Like I can do stuff around the house. Okay. I have taken on big projects in the past. One time I designed and built an underground sprinkler system, like engineered the whole thing, all that if that's what you could call it. Engineer is a too lofty a word for some. Uh that's impressive.

SPEAKER_00 1:23

Like you dug the holes in the ground, like landscaped and everything.

SPEAKER_01 1:27

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 1:28

Wow, okay.

SPEAKER_01 1:28

Yeah, yeah. And yet, routinely, yeah, what brings me to my knees.

SPEAKER_00 1:35

Ikea furniture.

SPEAKER_01 1:36

What kicks me in my nether region is trying to hang something in drywall.

SPEAKER_00 1:43

Oh.

SPEAKER_01 1:44

And we've remodeled and we got back into our place, and we have this new coat rack. And so I ordered the coat rack on Etsy. And I mean to tell you, like, this should be a 10-minute job.

SPEAKER_00 1:57

And you don't have a stud finder?

SPEAKER_01 1:59

I have the best stud finder. It found you? I mean, let me tell you.

SPEAKER_00 2:04

It beeps around you all the time.

SPEAKER_01 2:06

Makes me question my identity, how good my stud finder is.

SPEAKER_00 2:11

Okay.

SPEAKER_01 2:12

Yeah, maybe it's maybe my own, my own caborka is causing it to like all the time. It's malfunctioning. Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 2:18

You're too much of a stud out.

SPEAKER_01 2:20

Yeah, it just keeps coming right back out of my face. I have a great stud finder, although it did take me like 10 to 15 years of my life to figure that part out of it out.

SPEAKER_00 2:31

That you need a stud finder?

SPEAKER_01 2:33

That you need a really good stud finder. Not one of those like electronic ones that beeps. You want the old school magnet kind that just like stick. They're like rock solid.

SPEAKER_00 2:42

I don't know. Tom just has a regular stud finder.

SPEAKER_01 2:45

Well, Tom's.

SPEAKER_00 2:46

I do it by force. I'm like, there's a stud right there.

SPEAKER_01 2:53

But right off the bat, one of the things that screwed me is this person that I bought the coat rack from off of Etsy.

SPEAKER_00 3:00

I think that's where you went wrong.

SPEAKER_01 3:02

This is a damn good coat rack, okay? Let me tell you something about this coat rack.

SPEAKER_00 3:06

Okay.

SPEAKER_01 3:07

Um, it's like someone else's artwork. That's what it is.

SPEAKER_00 3:11

Okay.

SPEAKER_01 3:12

And they are from Canada. And apparently in Canada, like finish screws are like these weird, they're not just like a Phillips Hid bit. It's like this screw that has like a little inset square.

SPEAKER_00 3:25

Okay.

SPEAKER_01 3:25

Only the square is different than the square drill bit in the US.

SPEAKER_00 3:29

It's like a like Oh, is it like metric versus?

SPEAKER_01 3:32

Yeah, it's like, you know, it's and it it's just like now I'm down a reddit rabbit hole. People telling me, like, no, no, you can't use the square as a substitute, it'll strip the screw. And I haven't even tried yet. So I'm like, we're 15, 20 minutes into this thing. Okay. And I'm sweating like a hog. And I'm trying to decide, like, do I need to go to the hardware store? Can I just try this US square drill bit? Do I even have a US square drill bit? Then I finally like drill the pilot hole.

SPEAKER_00 4:04

Okay.

SPEAKER_01 4:05

And the pilot hole, because you know, a pilot hole is an important thing.

SPEAKER_00 4:10

I have no idea. I usually tell Tom to do these things. My second date with Tom or something, I was like, hey, do you want to come over? He's like, yeah, sure. It's like, do you have a drill? And he's like, yeah. Oh, I got a drill, baby. I was like, well, you think you can hang my mirror for me? That was a criteria for a man. I wanted my man to build shit. So I mean, and Tom hit that mark.

SPEAKER_01 4:37

So Okay, good, good. I would really like to know from Tom. Like, the coat rack is hung. Okay. Can it actually hold the jacket coats or only summer jackets? Just rain jackets only? There's a disclaimer. Uh no, it's solid as a rock. All right, good job, Adam. I got it in there. But this is my point. Like my point is like the larger projects somehow end up being like easier. And it's these simple freaking things like the right drywall anchor or the right drill bit that just like really ripped my nips.

SPEAKER_00 5:12

With Tom, any excuse to go to the hardware store, he would have taken that opportunity instead of using the ones that we have like a bag of, he probably just would have went to the hardware store and uh bought like 50 other ones.

SPEAKER_01 5:29

Yeah, and so now you have a collection of all different shorts.

SPEAKER_00 5:32

Yeah, you should have just called us and we probably had some sort of anchor in the house. But I do have to say, like, speaking of hardware stores, like when Home Depot and Lowe's opened, everyone went nuts. But like the local hardware store, if you have a good one and like so much better. They're so much better.

SPEAKER_01 5:50

So much better.

SPEAKER_00 5:51

I remember I'll never forget when we moved to Palo Alto, I had this vision of this kitchen countertop, and we needed to have like a floating shelf, but I couldn't really explain it. So I went to my local Ace hardware in Palo Alto, and I was like, I have a piece of wood this big, and I gave them all the measurements, and what I'm envisioning is like you know, two long pipes or screws or something, and then like a shelf underneath it to hold the microwave. And like literally, this dude was just like, I got you, girl, and was like boom, boom, boom, boom, gave me all the bits, and then I was like, Tom, this is what they said, and he went boom, boom, boom, and like, and boom, we had this magical, like floating shelf. It was amazing.

SPEAKER_01 6:33

Ten sound effects later. It was amazing.

SPEAKER_00 6:36

Yeah, it was a great experience.

SPEAKER_01 6:38

Yeah, no, no, no. I'm a hundred percent with you, and I also will take any excuse to go. And I really think it it does matter though, who you get. Sometimes you go and you get somebody who's like, no, we could start in the screw section. Well, let me just tell you my nuts.

SPEAKER_00 6:58

They're like, no, I don't want let's see your nuts.

SPEAKER_01 7:01

Like, I I'm pretty sure this job doesn't involve nuts. Like, can I just get a dry walk or a screw, please? Please. Um, you know, or where they're kind of like, you know, they're leaving some open to interpretation. Yeah, like here over here is the cock. But there's like, you know, white cock, there's clear cock, there's all different kinds. And I think, like, you know, if you're operating between a temperature of 67 degrees and 10, it's like, oh, I'm done. I'm already done.

SPEAKER_00 7:31

No more cock talk?

SPEAKER_01 7:33

No more cocktail.

SPEAKER_00 7:34

I gotcha. But um, I mean, I do love a good cock talk, but yeah.

SPEAKER_01 7:39

I'm playing into that today, by the way. I'm just like, I really always like we don't need cock talk, but for some reason it just feels very fitting. It's you know, it's the right tool for the right job.

SPEAKER_00 7:52

I mean, hey oh.

SPEAKER_01 7:54

But no matter what, if you go to like your regular local hardware store, yeah, and uh you're in better shape than if you go to like Home Depot.

SPEAKER_00 8:04

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 8:04

I mean, there's so many options at Home Depot. You could just get lost forever.

SPEAKER_00 8:10

I think the proper like comparison of like Home Depot from a man to a woman is like Sephora, right?

SPEAKER_02 8:16

Oh, okay. All right.

SPEAKER_00 8:18

I go into Sephora and I'm just like, so much stuff, this is overwhelming, so many aisles, so many brands. What do you even do with all this stuff? And I know for like a lot of women, that's like they walk in and it's like, oh, you know, like they've just entered like heaven. Yeah. To me, I'm like, oh god, this is crazy. I can't handle it. But you know, I that's what I envision like for some men walking into like a Home Depot when they first opened was probably like a oh moment, right? Like, because it's like huge and they have lumber and they have power drills and they have light bulbs, but it is kind of overwhelming to walk in there sometimes. Like if you only need an anchor, yeah, right. Like you're like, I don't want a refrigerator, but that one does look nice.

SPEAKER_01 9:08

But maybe I do, actually. You know, we have been getting those weird things in our ice cubes. Exactly. Like, maybe I get that feeling every time I walk into a Home Depot, and I get the feeling of like I need to take a nap every time I walk out. Because it's like, oh my God, the decisions, the number of decisions that I didn't even know I needed to make. I know. Well, there's also this like weird societal pressure. Like your example of Sephora made me think of this actually, is like you walk in there and you're like, oh my god, I don't know anything about all these products, like what they're supposed to do, but you feel like somewhere in the back of you're supposed to. I'm supposed to know which crowbar jammy whammy thing I'm supposed to ask you for. Exactly. But I don't really, Erica, I'm gonna come at it from the side. Like, well, I kind of have this project where like these two things are sort of like rammed together. Like, sorry, can you be more specific? I think I need a fucking crowbar, but I'm not really sure.

SPEAKER_00 10:09

I mean, it works most of the time, I gotta say.

SPEAKER_01 10:12

Yeah, yeah. Whatever works, that is actually the overriding rules. Like, really, whatever freaking works. Yeah. Because otherwise you're into the realm of hiring someone.

SPEAKER_00 10:24

Uh-huh.

SPEAKER_01 10:24

That's a whole other universe.

SPEAKER_00 10:27

Like having a handyman on like speed dial.

SPEAKER_01 10:30

Yeah, or a task rabbit.

SPEAKER_00 10:31

I never understood task rabbit.

SPEAKER_01 10:33

To me, a task rabbit you hire if there's a project you need to do on a specific time frame and you don't have time.

SPEAKER_00 10:40

No, I mean I understand the theory behind it, but I just I guess I've never had really a need for it. Even though I have considered getting one for like the roe sample sale to wait in line, but we got a task grabbit one time to take apart.

SPEAKER_01 10:56

We had a we had an IKEA bed, and um, we got him to take it apart because the new bed was coming, we were gonna be at work, but we didn't really have time to take it apart, so we got a task grab it. And this person was not qualified, okay? Like super nice person, you know, just trying to make a buck. But we were like, Yeah, can you just take this bed apart and like move this stuff out onto the curb? And so I was like, Yeah, yeah, yeah, no problem. So we leave the room, next thing you know, we hear whap, whap. And so we come in and we're like, um, what's going on here? And he's got a sledgehammer. What? He's taking the bed apart by the freaking sledgehammer. Like, I know there's a lot of parts to an IKEA bed. Actually, there's not, but yes. It's not enough that you can't just like take a drill and like unscrew, unscrew the side. You need what yeah, like seriously.

SPEAKER_00 11:49

Yes, I understand. I'm really good at putting together IKEA furniture.

SPEAKER_01 11:56

I mean, I love IKEA. I'll go in that store and just spend time. Like, you know, there are times when we're just like, we maybe need something. Let's go IKEA. We'll get an ice cream cup. Swedish meatballs on you want? Yeah, totally. Now, do you get this food on the way in or do you get the food on the way out or both?

SPEAKER_00 12:17

I mean, I think you have to try to hit it where you eat first.

SPEAKER_01 12:20

I'm with you. That's varsity IKEA. Yeah, that's varsity IKEA.

SPEAKER_00 12:25

Because you know what another fun part about going to IKEA is?

SPEAKER_01 12:28

Is laughing and like watching all the people come undone.

SPEAKER_00 12:33

Couples who fight at IKEA is the best. Like, that should be a reality show.

SPEAKER_01 12:39

It should be a reality show.

SPEAKER_00 12:40

IKEA could really bring it out of people.

SPEAKER_01 12:42

I think we should have a show where there's like recordings of people at IKEA. Only you and I would basically commentate. So it would be like sports casting for couple fighting. He did have a valid point there. That bed isn't gonna fit the space. Let's see how she responds.

SPEAKER_00 13:00

Oh, I think she's gonna cry.

SPEAKER_01 13:03

Is this about something deeper? Uh-oh. She's getting into it now. This isn't really about the bed. This is what goes on in the bedroom.

SPEAKER_00 13:11

Exactly. They're never gonna make it, folks. I give it three months.

SPEAKER_01 13:17

I could have told you that because she started off saying, I don't care how I fold my underwear. I mean, I've seen families come undone. And I'm definitely not talking about my own family. My kids used to love, still kind of have like nostalgia for the play center. Like then there's like a ball pit and there's movies going on.

SPEAKER_00 13:40

The best.

SPEAKER_01 13:41

You know, and you could just walk around and be like, I'm gonna take my time and pick out a piece of furniture.

SPEAKER_00 13:46

Because it was free child care. Yeah, totally.

SPEAKER_01 13:49

It's like I just need a break. Now, do I have to be on the premises?

SPEAKER_00 13:55

I'll be back in like two hours.

SPEAKER_01 13:59

Don't call me unless there's blood.

SPEAKER_00 14:01

When the first one opened in Elizabeth, New Jersey, I went and they would have those like lockers to put your shoes in, but it was a 25 cent deposit. But people didn't realize when you got your shoes out that the quarters came back out. So I would go to the lockers and just like take all the leftover quarters.

SPEAKER_02 14:21

Oh my god. You pilfered from the IQ.

SPEAKER_01 14:25

I mean It was awesome. You better hope law enforcement doesn't listen to us. Somewhere someone's building a case.

SPEAKER_00 14:32

But dude, the ball pit doesn't exist anymore.

SPEAKER_01 14:35

No, it doesn't.

SPEAKER_00 14:35

R.I.P. man.

SPEAKER_01 14:37

We were there recently and City was like, oh my god, there's no ball pit.

SPEAKER_00 14:42

I know. Axel never got to experience it. Never? Never.

SPEAKER_01 14:46

What would the heck?

SPEAKER_00 14:47

Because he was like, it was like COVID. No, because they stopped it because of COVID.

SPEAKER_01 14:55

Oh, and I see.

SPEAKER_00 14:56

And he's yeah. He was too young before COVID to be dropped off. I think you needed to be like out of diapers or something like that.

SPEAKER_01 15:04

Yeah, case in point, the ball pit.

SPEAKER_00 15:06

Yeah. What's this brown ball over here? Don't touch that.

SPEAKER_01 15:11

Don't touch that. Get out of there. What a fascinating experience. All right. So this is like another dimension of our new show. Commentate the like kids' play area. Look at that. That kid's definitely gonna steal some courses. That same kid who stole the choirs is most likely to be our next president.

SPEAKER_00 15:34

Did you have to have like qualifications to work in the daycare?

SPEAKER_01 15:38

Oh, I'm pretty sure not. Probably actually, if anything, it was like you had to know CPR and be a paramedic.

SPEAKER_00 15:45

I mean, nothing. I don't even know. Like, uh I mean, are you just like a normal and that was just your shift to be covering the play area?

SPEAKER_01 15:54

Let's roleplay this. How would you de-escalate a ball pit situation?

SPEAKER_00 16:00

But we didn't give a shit. We were like, take our kids. See you later. Mommy and daddy will be back.

SPEAKER_01 16:05

Can you listen to screaming for two hours straight? Great, you're hired. And we'll throw some Swedish meatballs at every shift in there for you.

SPEAKER_00 16:15

All you can eat Swedish meatballs, baby, and lingamberry juice.

SPEAKER_01 16:18

And lingomberry. Lingamberry juice.

SPEAKER_00 16:21

When you have to leave IKEA early, that's never fun. Whether it's because you're crying, someone's losing it, or you're storming out because of a fight.

SPEAKER_01 16:33

If you haven't taken the wrong shortcut only to end up back at this exact same spot, your trip definitely isn't complete.

SPEAKER_00 16:43

Oh man.

SPEAKER_01 16:43

That's the thing. It's like all of what I'm trying to say about home improvement in a microcosm. It should be so simple. The pictures, the maps, this little storage bins situation. Yeah. Like where you find the pieces of aisles and the bin, yeah. All every detail. Like someone is actually drawing a full-time salary to think through every detail for you. And yet, people fuck it up. There's always an X factor. Whether it's a turd in the ball fit or a or a shortcut that's actually the wrong door, there's always something to really just piss you off and get you. Unless you have the meatballs first.

SPEAKER_00 17:26

Yeah, exactly. So after you build your furniture and you've hung up your coat rack, you found your studs, what's next?

SPEAKER_01 17:36

Maintenance. Uh maintenance.

SPEAKER_00 17:38

It is a lot of work. I don't know. That's fucking adulting.

SPEAKER_01 17:42

It is adulting.

SPEAKER_00 17:43

Right?

SPEAKER_01 17:43

I think when it comes down to it, that's really what we're talking about here. It's just, you know, making your way in the world today. Takes everything you got.

SPEAKER_00 17:54

That's a TV show, isn't it?

SPEAKER_01 17:57

Where else do you think I got my wisdom from?

SPEAKER_00 17:59

I mean, you're never no one's gonna be on top of that shit. I'd like to know someone who actually is like never laid on their fucking water filter replacement or cleans out the hose before it smells. Is there anyone who does that actually?

SPEAKER_01 18:14

I kind of wondered if you had a master checklist somewhere.

SPEAKER_00 18:17

No, I mean I'm pretty anal, but I'm not that anal.

SPEAKER_01 18:20

You're maybe a hair shy of that, I feel like. No, just I mean It's at least three hairs.

SPEAKER_00 18:28

I don't know. That's hard. That's like next level shit.

SPEAKER_01 18:31

It is.

SPEAKER_00 18:32

Is that something we can task rabbit?

SPEAKER_01 18:34

You know what? I think it's something we can AI.

SPEAKER_00 18:36

Oh, yeah.

SPEAKER_01 18:38

Create a checklist for my life.

SPEAKER_00 18:41

And put it into my calendar for me to ignore.

SPEAKER_01 18:44

And as a part of that, I want a hyperlinked checklist that goes to a manual for home improvement for every item on the checklist. And that manual should have pictures. Yes, I like it. All pictures.

SPEAKER_00 18:59

Yes, I like it. Speaking of manuals, do you actually hold on to them? Like we have a box of manuals that like live under our bed. Do you still hold on to them or do you go look them up online? Like, what are you supposed to do with those?

SPEAKER_01 19:14

I'm taking door number two right there.

SPEAKER_00 19:15

What? Throw it away?

SPEAKER_01 19:17

I look them up online.

SPEAKER_00 19:19

Oh, see, I like actually having the physical.

SPEAKER_01 19:22

I hold on to the physical for a period of time, a grace period.

SPEAKER_00 19:25

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 19:26

Usually um right before the routine maintenance window. There's another home improvement project. I'm gonna build a storage bin for my goddamn manuals.

SPEAKER_00 19:42

I mean, like, I have like a box of manuals, a little box of like extra buttons, because every time you buy like a shirt, it has extra buttons. But then I realize I put it in there and I'm like, I can't find the right button. I don't know what button it goes to.

SPEAKER_01 19:59

When the button goes, it's a catastrophic thing. Like you gotta find that button, and then you go to the box and you're like, I'm never gonna be able to match this button. It's like matching paint.

SPEAKER_00 20:12

I have to go to Home Depot, get overwhelmed, and look around and like hopefully the right person finds you.

SPEAKER_01 20:18

I'm gonna try the local hardware store first, and they're gonna be like, Are you kidding me? We don't carry that button. You gotta go to the big stores for that. That's been discontinued. And then I'm gonna walk in Home Depot and it's gonna be like, um, can you tell me where this button is? That's after walking around for 20 minutes. And they're gonna be like, oh yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And your cart is full of shit you didn't need. Yeah, hold on. We just need to get a forklift operator over here to get the forklift and take the box because those buttons, those are all the way up on the top rack because we just don't get many people asking for those buttons anymore. They used to make them in Canada. You guys don't by any chance have like ice cream cones I can have while you do that, do you?

SPEAKER_00 21:06

For 99 cents, because I'm not paying a penny more.

SPEAKER_01 21:11

And also, do you have some child care wall that I can take advantage of while you're doing that? Maybe a bar in the back. I'll buy the refrigerator that goes with the bar, I swear to god.

SPEAKER_00 21:24

And I'll even apply for your credit card.

SPEAKER_01 21:30

Oh, yeah. Well, I think we gotta wrap it up. I'm gonna sum it up by saying I'm pretty sure my spirit animal is not a beaver. Because I'm not building an elaborate dam.

SPEAKER_00 21:43

I feel like it's just part of adult thing. You know, I'll go, I'll apply for the credit card, get the ten dollars off. Get back credit because of it. I totally forgot that I opened up that credit card, you know, and then see what happens. Happens next.

SPEAKER_01 22:01

So yeah, anyway.

SPEAKER_00 22:03

I mean, home improvement, what do you think? Do it, don't do it, just rent.

SPEAKER_01 22:09

I mean, I think go into it eyes wide open. All right.

SPEAKER_00 22:13

Eyes wide shut.

SPEAKER_01 22:15

Take whatever joy you can take out of it. Get the food first at IKEA.

SPEAKER_00 22:19

Yes.

SPEAKER_01 22:20

Start with your local hardware store.

SPEAKER_00 22:22

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 22:22

And for God's sakes, just don't lose that Allen wrench. With your undercarriage. Maintain.

SPEAKER_00 22:30

Maintain. All right. I like it. Those are words of wisdom from Adam Paris.

SPEAKER_01 22:36

Or nothing. Because this is an endless supply of nothing. Thanks for joining us.

SPEAKER_00 22:42

Bye bye.