Endless Supply of Nothing
If you’re looking for balanced perspectives, this may not be your safe space. But if you’re ready for sharp takes, big laughs, and the occasional inconvenient truth? Pull up a chair.
Endless Supply of Nothing
The Future....
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Have I told you about my friend who used to be a Mormon? He when he got his first quote unquote blowjob.
SPEAKER_01Oh.
SPEAKER_00And it was a girl who went like this.
SPEAKER_01Was it a silk job? No. Did that really happen?
SPEAKER_00Yeah, and he said afterwards he was like, That's it? Like, that's what it is. That's what everyone's talking about.
SPEAKER_01Oh my god. Yeah, he was probably pretty disappointed.
SPEAKER_00And then on the flip side, when he actually got his first one, was probably baloney. Like blew his mind.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, that's like sticking your finger in a socket. He was probably like.
SPEAKER_00I'm Connie Foley.
SPEAKER_01We are about to explore the absurd in a truly absurd way. We dare you to take us seriously.
SPEAKER_00Alright, Adam, should we get started?
SPEAKER_01Sure.
SPEAKER_00Well, as we are recording right now, and when this will be aired, it will be in the future.
SPEAKER_01Oh boy.
SPEAKER_00Oh yeah.
SPEAKER_01Got some time-bending shit.
SPEAKER_00I mean, we don't want to mess up the space-time continuum or anything. But the future is near.
SPEAKER_01The future is not.
SPEAKER_00What do we expect out of the future? What do we want from the future? What did we not get that we were promised?
SPEAKER_01I did recently take my first ride in a self-driving car.
SPEAKER_00In the Wiimo?
SPEAKER_01In the Waymo.
SPEAKER_00Waymo? Wimo?
SPEAKER_01For me, it was like such a foreign concept and so surreal. But to everybody in the West Coast, they're gonna be like, yeah, we've been driving in Waymo for a couple years.
SPEAKER_00Can you sit in the driver's seat?
SPEAKER_01No, I don't think so. I didn't try. I wasn't trying to break the rules of my first attempt.
SPEAKER_00You didn't want to get blacklisted right on your first try?
SPEAKER_01I took so many pictures. I was like, here I am riding in a self-driving car. Look, the steering wheel's moving. Took videos.
SPEAKER_00Oh my gosh.
SPEAKER_01But I have to say, everyone I talked to was like, oh yeah, I love it. Because I can just get in there and I can just zone out and I'm like by myself. And I'm like, well, really? What are you doing in there?
SPEAKER_00Yeah.
SPEAKER_01We already know what people do in cabs with cab drivers. Exactly. What the hell are you doing in there?
SPEAKER_00People have sex in taxi cabs.
SPEAKER_01Yeah. So all the time.
SPEAKER_00Like if that's the bar, what are you doing?
SPEAKER_01What if that's the meaning of self-driving? I don't think I want to be a part of it.
SPEAKER_00Like, what else are you doing in there that you need to be alone?
SPEAKER_01Yeah, and most of the times it's like totally boring. They want to be on their phone.
SPEAKER_00Yeah.
SPEAKER_01Whereas I lamented the lost art of conversation.
SPEAKER_00A hundred percent. I've become so many best friends with Uber and cab drivers.
SPEAKER_01Yeah. I mean, like when you bond with your driver, it's a special thing. It is. And even if you don't, like I had on the same trip, I took an Uber and I got this guy and he was batshit crazy.
SPEAKER_00Yeah.
SPEAKER_01Started out just like, oh, what do you do? Oh, what do you do? Yeah, you know, I've sort of made this like fleet. I used to have a cab. I've been driving for like 20 years, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Next thing you know, he's telling me he's got Nancy Rockefeller in her car all the time. Then he started a foundation for clean fuel for jets. What? And I'm thinking that I said, Like he's driving an Uber? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. So I'm thinking, like, this guy's out of his mind, but highly entertaining.
SPEAKER_00Like so many questions. Like he must have turned wrong somewhere.
SPEAKER_01At what point did I jump out of the car while I was still moving to get away from him?
unknownYeah.
SPEAKER_01That's a valid question.
SPEAKER_00Yeah. If you were in a self-driving car, there would be no guess what happened to me on my way home from the airport.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, totally. And for all I know, the guy's a goddamn genius. Like maybe I got out of the car and he was like, well, that guy missed his chance to time travel and like pressed a button and was like and went to the land of flying cars. Which this is a thing. You want you really wanted the flying car.
SPEAKER_00I mean, I just thought that like my life in the future would be like the Jetsons. Put a pot pill in the microwave and there comes dinner. Those moving walkways like in the sky, you know.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, I thought where you were going was the moving walkway that like brushes your teeth and showers you. Oh, yeah, that sounded cool too. I'll take all the above.
SPEAKER_00Yeah.
SPEAKER_01I mean, I don't know about the pill that turns into food. I mean, you like to cook. I like to cook.
SPEAKER_00Yeah, but you know, like on like a random Tuesday, like you're like, hey kids, what do you want? I want a roasted chicken. Like, oh yeah, I have that pill right here. Let me put in the microwave. Boom.
SPEAKER_01Let me just add water. Jick ass. It's like sea monkeys.
SPEAKER_00But there are things that have come true, like easy pass. Right? That was one of the things in the future that we've promised no more tow booth. And that's kind of come true. I mean, we still pay, but we just don't have to, you know, get exact change and throw it out our windows anymore.
SPEAKER_01I mean, that was kind of a fun game. Finding the change sucked. But once you found it, it was like, oh yeah.
SPEAKER_00Yeah.
SPEAKER_01I have to say, I wish that they had had a thing where it was like, if you got the the coin right in the thing, there was like a little light there. Good job. Good job. Please proceed. Good job.
SPEAKER_00That would have been fun.
SPEAKER_01That would have been a lot of fun. I mean, it would have been annoying in traffic. Like on a holiday weekend when you're just like stop and go and you're just hearing, good job.
SPEAKER_00Someone's gonna rip that thing out. But yeah, so there's one thing.
SPEAKER_01Okay.
SPEAKER_00And then I I don't know about anything else. I mean, we've made improvements on the toilet. Yes. Right.
SPEAKER_01So as you know, I am recently obsessed with bidet seats, you know, the Toto seats. Yes. And I used yours. Did you really? Oh man. We just crossed a threshold in this recording, folks.
SPEAKER_00I got the all clear.
SPEAKER_01From your wife. From one half of the occasions.
SPEAKER_00She's like, you gotta try.
SPEAKER_01That was a phone to friend situation. I think I should have been consulted. I might have said yes still, but now I definitely would say no.
SPEAKER_00It was lovely.
SPEAKER_01It's it's fantastic, right? So what we're talking about are bidet seats. So not like the bidet where it's like a toilet next to a toilet and you've got to do some kind of like training walk where you're squatted and you don't know like And that takes up a lot of space in the bathroom. It takes up a lot of space. And also the second seat doesn't have a seat. No. So you're like sitting on the rim.
SPEAKER_00I know. Why didn't they? Why didn't the bidet people think to put a seat on it? Oh, because probably then people will pee in it. Maybe. Or worse, poop in it.
SPEAKER_01I don't know.
SPEAKER_00But I mean, how many men have used it as a urinal?
SPEAKER_01Maybe they are supposed to, actually. But then you don't drip on the seat.
SPEAKER_00We should have some Italians because you know in Italy it's required, it's mandatory. Every bathroom needs to have a bidet.
SPEAKER_01See, and that's where I want to get, but only with the bidet seat. Because it's folks, it's a really amazing experience. I mean, there's like a thousand models. In fact, actually, we were gonna purchase a Toto. And then I went with Renee, my beloved, to a showroom. We initially went to look at kitchen faucets, and of course, Renee like went off talking to the lady, great conversationalist.
SPEAKER_00Oh yeah. Love everyone.
SPEAKER_01So I'm like, well, I'm here. I might as well sit on a Toto or two. Just to like, you know, there's a lot of different models. So I sit on the Toto and like years of anticipation are building up to getting this new bidet seat and toilet in our apartment.
SPEAKER_00Very exciting.
SPEAKER_01So I sit on the thing and I'm like, oh my God, I'm a little crammed here. This is not comfortable. What's going on? And I stand up and I'm like, nay, I don't know that this Toto fits. And there's this woman literally 50 yards away, way back in this deep showroom who stands up and goes, No, no, no, no, no. You want a Toto? No, no, no, no. What are you, German? What are you, Scandinavian? Comes running across the showroom for it. There are still people shopping in this. It's not like a private session in the showroom. She's like, look at you. You can't fit on a Toto.
SPEAKER_00That's for Japanese people.
SPEAKER_01That's for yeah, a much smaller demographic, let's say. And she's like, I was like, well, okay, thank you for crushing my hopes. Like, what am I, what are you leaving me with here? And she's like, oh, well, you need a dura bit. German built.
SPEAKER_00So those Germans.
SPEAKER_01Those gems. Sure enough, I sit on the thing. Come on.
SPEAKER_00It's like a glove.
SPEAKER_01It's like a glove. It felt like Thor when he picked up the hammer, you know? It's like, oh my god, are you worthy? Like the like lightning struck me on the toilet, and I all of a sudden got like really ripped. And you got like a brew hair again.
unknownOh.
SPEAKER_01It was like, you guys better back off because I might I might actually be inspired to use this thing, which is really not good because none of them are connected to plumbing.
SPEAKER_00So it chose you.
SPEAKER_01It chose me is exactly the right way to describe it.
SPEAKER_00Yeah.
SPEAKER_01And I think of that moment now every time. I relive that moment every time every morning. I love it. You know, it's very important.
SPEAKER_00Because it chose you. I walk in the bathroom now and it's like you should have it like when it opens the sea, it says, Hi, Adam.
SPEAKER_01I think there are models that play music.
SPEAKER_00Oh yeah? What would be your theme song?
SPEAKER_01Something like the gods of Valhalla, like.
SPEAKER_00I like it.
SPEAKER_01I feel like I'm doing God's work every time I sit down.
SPEAKER_00So to the manufacturers of uh Toto and Dervit. Dervet, next model.
SPEAKER_01Let's get it going.
SPEAKER_00Let's get what theme song. We need a theme song.
SPEAKER_01We need a sorting hat. We need a sorting hat. And like a custom fit. You know how like sometimes now when you go online and you try to buy a pair of glasses or something and there's like AI that will show you what the glasses might look like. I think you need that for the toilet. Oh, that's amazing. And they'll tell you what seat fits you. That's what I'd like to see in the future.
SPEAKER_00And that's future technology. Yeah, that's future technology.
SPEAKER_01Because built into the toilet, I feel like could be advances in medicine where like instead of going to the doctor, I'm just like scanned. It just scans.
SPEAKER_00I like that. So like you can have like your prostate checked and like Yeah, that's right. Tickle your balls.
SPEAKER_01I mean, the yeah. Feels like a different category. But yes, I feel like in the field of medicine, what I hope for for the future, I'm just gonna make a broad request. Yes. Is let's dial back on the probing.
unknownOkay.
SPEAKER_01Like, can we cut back on the probes? It feels like there's gotta be a better way to check my prostate than a finger up my ass.
SPEAKER_00That's a reasonable ask.
SPEAKER_01And I feel like I'm preaching to the choir because it's of course for women.
SPEAKER_00Women, we get the squishing and the probing all at once.
SPEAKER_01It's unjust.
SPEAKER_00It is. I mean, all of it. There was this thing where this woman brought back the tool that the doctors use to go in and do like a pap smear. And the dude was like, What is this? Is this like a thing to hold potato gizz? Or like it's a thing that holds a thing, like all the wrong. So funny. And then and then she's like, No, that's for my pants. He was like, What? And you let me touch it. I mean, it's a piece of plastic that like you crank open and you're like out of how long have women been doing this and this is what we're doing? Too long. Yeah. And then, like, you know, the mammogram. We go in and they tell you to put your boob in this thing that squishes it, and then you're not supposed to breathe. And I mean, if a man had to go through what we did and get their balls squished the way that our boobs would, like, it would be a new invention like tomorrow, where like a man is fully clothed, a little like wand would go over you, and then it'd be like, oh, you're good, or oh no, you have cancer, you should get that checked out.
SPEAKER_01I I hate to say it, but I think you're right. It's just true. And it does feel very violating.
SPEAKER_00So a request to the medical world let's improve our mammogram and paps mirror technologies.
SPEAKER_01Dial back the probes.
SPEAKER_00Dial back the probes and dial back the squishing.
SPEAKER_01Squishing. I don't want anything squishing myself. Like I even just you bringing it up just now just made me like uneasy. In the same way that I feel uneasy when I'm like more than a hundred yards away from my throne after having coffee.
SPEAKER_00That's scary. So then what else about the future? What else do we hope for? I mean, outside of like good health and all that bullshit, but more on the superficial level.
SPEAKER_01Superficially. What are our goals? You know what's really messed up? What is I feel like on some level we're inventing stuff to keep us from the stuff we invented. Like there are apps that shut your phone down for a little while or shut the internet down or block your phone from like reception so you can actually like get something like thoughtful done.
SPEAKER_00Yeah.
SPEAKER_01It's like, dude, how do we get to a place where we had to invent something to keep us from our other inventions? That's deep.
SPEAKER_00It's very meta. Yeah, it is. Um, and I don't mean the company. I mean, I think it's because like humans are un we're no longer like self-regulating, right? Like our governors are broken.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, I mean, God knows we need a lot of help.
SPEAKER_00Yeah.
SPEAKER_01We're pretty pathetic.
SPEAKER_00I know. I mean, I try not to be on my phone, but it's really hard. I need to know what's happening in the world.
SPEAKER_01Oh, yeah. Like, I'm not That's not world news. Definitely not looking down on anybody using their phone. It's draws me in just but it is kind of sad.
SPEAKER_00Like every time I go into the office and I walk into the elevator, everyone is looking down at their phone. And going back, like, where's the conversation?
SPEAKER_01Exactly. Like the self-driving car.
SPEAKER_00Exactly.
SPEAKER_01You know one thing? Um a piece of technology that came forward that you just reminded me of that I kinda like, but also maybe rules out like misses an opportunity for conversation. You know, like the elevators where it's like the building operates the elevator, so you don't press the button, it's like scan something and it's a little bit more.
SPEAKER_00Oh yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. We have something similar, except I have to hit a console before I go in and it tells me which car to go into.
SPEAKER_01I kind of like that because I like it being like you're gonna go to this elevator.
SPEAKER_00Yeah.
SPEAKER_01Instead of like standing back and being like, all right, which door? Which door am I going on?
SPEAKER_00It's like when you get in, it feels like you're missing something. Like if you get into an elevator, like your instinct is like push a button. And so, like, when you go into those elevators, like what am I supposed to do? You're you're kind of standing there, like, now what am I supposed to do?
SPEAKER_01Yeah. You get a little bored in the self-driving car. I definitely wanted to do a little backseat driving, but I got no one to backseat drive to. Like, you know, you really could have taken that route back there.
SPEAKER_00Exactly. Would they ever take the wrong route?
SPEAKER_01I don't know. I got stuck behind one driving a car. You driving. Yeah, I was driving a car and I was behind a self-driving car in the middle of downtown San Francisco, and I thought I was gonna get stuck there forever. Why? Because every time the light turned green, pedestrians were just walking, and it's gonna like it wouldn't even get out of the start start like stop starting block without the walkway totally clear. So I was like, middle of the day, downtown, you know, decent sized city. I'm done. Like I'm not moving here until like seven o'clock.
SPEAKER_00You'll find Adam in the same spot.
SPEAKER_01Where have you been? Got out and started walking. This is my point. Like, we're going, we went from like people operating elevators. Like there was an elevator.
SPEAKER_00Dude, yes. I love that guy.
SPEAKER_01And then also a great conversationalist. For ourselves, and then like we don't even get to press the buttons anymore.
SPEAKER_00I know.
SPEAKER_01We're steadily cutting ourselves off.
SPEAKER_00I think we're making ourselves stupider by the day.
SPEAKER_01I think it's true.
SPEAKER_00But what can we gain from some of this? Let's be positive.
SPEAKER_01Okay, yeah, let's be positive.
SPEAKER_00Right. Let's think of it this way. What if by not pushing the elevator I have more time to fill in the blank? Because I have no idea what that is.
SPEAKER_01Whatever it is the people who are driving and self-driving cars are doing. Make it out or riding. Or having a conversation. I rode the self-driving car with people and I had conversations with them, and that was nice.
SPEAKER_00But you would have a conversation with those people even if someone was driving.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, but there was just like a little bit of a layer of like, we can't have the same conversation.
SPEAKER_00What do you have to hide? Uh you know, actually, one of my things.
SPEAKER_01You're trying to tell me that like in front of a stranger you're gonna have the same level of intimacy.
SPEAKER_00What kind of intimacy are you talking about?
SPEAKER_01I'm a very sincere person. I mean as we do this comedy podcast.
SPEAKER_00I mean, there's like, you know, maybe one or two times where I'm like, we shouldn't say that in front of the you know, the cab driver or whatever. But other times, I mean, it's like people are on the phone, they're talking about all their shit, you know. I mean, like, and the cab driver is right there.
SPEAKER_01And then he stuck his foot.
SPEAKER_00I used to love driving in the city, and way back in the day it was like super fun. And I used to drive my sister into the city all the time. And I was like, you know what, like for one year, maybe less, it'd be really fun if I could just be a like a New York City taxi driver for like a little bit. Just for the conversations, or just the eavesdropping, or just you know, like the bullshit and the ridiculousness and good people and the adventure. Yeah. I thought it was like, I was like, oh, that could be really fun.
SPEAKER_01Like you're going around, you know. In fact, that's part of your job, and yet every trip is a venture into the unknown.
SPEAKER_00Exactly.
SPEAKER_01You never know who's getting in the back of that car.
SPEAKER_00You never know.
SPEAKER_01You never, never know.
SPEAKER_00And also, you know what another question I've always asked? And now with Ubers and Lyft and all the kind of stuff, the pool is even bigger. But have you ever gotten the same driver twice?
SPEAKER_01No.
SPEAKER_00And is that possible? I've always wondered.
SPEAKER_01That really made me stop and think. I'm like still thinking about that question. I'm like, wait a minute.
SPEAKER_00And I wondered why it wouldn't happen.
SPEAKER_01Do you think the the app sort of prevents it?
SPEAKER_00Well, I think the introduction of Uber and Lyft made it harder because there's more cars on the road now. You know, it's just sheer numbers game. I mean, like, what would statistically be the possibility of you able to get the same cab driver twice?
SPEAKER_01Hold on, let me just get my calculator out. What would be the probability of getting the same Uber driver? I'll tell you what I want for the future, and this is a hopeful thing. Okay. I want something other than cars.
SPEAKER_00Oh yeah.
SPEAKER_01Yeah. I I want like a clean form of transportation that's affordable for all. I know this is gonna sound you said hopeful. Yes. You the ergo, you cannot make fun of it. Um but a clean form of transportation that doesn't involve us, like, at least in a city, parking, and is allowing you to interact with the world. It's like full of windows.
SPEAKER_00So not like a big bubble that you like roll down.
SPEAKER_01Run down, just run out. You know what?
SPEAKER_00It's like a gerbo bubble.
SPEAKER_01I'm gonna start commuting to work via a bubble. I'm gonna be the bubble guy in New York City. Just like look at here you are.
SPEAKER_00What if it was like an electric like pedal assist bubble?
SPEAKER_01Electric pedal assist bubble. Or if it was like wind-driven and then somebody figured out how to like mess with me and be like, oh wait, wait, here he comes here. Whoops, you're going down 42nd Street now instead.
SPEAKER_00One way of transportation I wanted to do was when I worked downtown in financial district and I was living in Brooklyn Heights. I could see my building because like it was almost at the end of Wall Street and we were right almost on the water. And like, and we lived on the 10th floor, which was the top. And I was like, wouldn't it be so great if I could have a zip line that like crosses the East River and I could just zip line back and forth.
SPEAKER_01You know what? Exactly. And you know what? That that helps me sum it up. Well, you know what I want in the future? More fun forms of transportation. Yes, I like that zip lines, bubble balls. You know.
SPEAKER_00What else?
SPEAKER_01Uh some form of flying carpet. I don't want a flying car. Fuck a flying car. I want a flying carpet. Aladdin had the right idea.
SPEAKER_00You want to show you the world?
SPEAKER_01I mean, dude, dude got three wishes. One of them is a goddamn flying carpet.
SPEAKER_00I mean, I like it.
SPEAKER_01Less invasive medicine.
SPEAKER_00Yes.
SPEAKER_01Fun forms of transportation.
SPEAKER_00Yes.
SPEAKER_01And oh, I'll tell you this. I don't need ten different types of screws. Okay.
SPEAKER_00That's true, yes.
SPEAKER_01I want just a universal screw.
SPEAKER_00That's not a flathead.
SPEAKER_01It's not a flathead.
SPEAKER_00We're gonna get rid of the flathead.
SPEAKER_01Get rid of the flathead screw. I've never understood it.
SPEAKER_00And I mean, if you need to just grab a knife, a butter knife or something, it works the same. I think the hopeful is I mean the future is hopeful.
SPEAKER_01The future is hopeful.
SPEAKER_00The future is hopeful.
SPEAKER_01Oh, and uh universal bidets.
SPEAKER_00Everywhere.
SPEAKER_01Everywhere. But to choose your bidet, you have to use augmented reality. Unless, like me, you're chosen. Like everybody gets a chance to try to pick up the hammer or sit on the bidet, if you will. And if lightning strikes, take that bidet home.
SPEAKER_00Take it.
SPEAKER_01But otherwise, get yourself fitted. You're gonna thank me later. You know what else?
SPEAKER_00What else?
SPEAKER_01What's great about this conversation is it gives me an excuse to use wire cutter more. I'm gonna start plugging I love wire cutter, and I'm gonna start asking wire cutter, like, how come we don't have this?
SPEAKER_00Does it have uh that functionality?
SPEAKER_01No, but if I keep typing it in, maybe it will.
SPEAKER_00So if you build it, they will come?
SPEAKER_01If you build it, they will come. And maybe sometimes it'll surprise me. Maybe like, well, you know what, Adam? That exists. And we tested 30 of them.
SPEAKER_00Oh, and here is what we think. And this is what you should buy.
SPEAKER_01The cleanest, least invasive, most fun toothbrush.
SPEAKER_00We got the answers. Calm down. Let's look forward to the future. Yep. This is happening in the future, so I hope everyone is well in the future, right?
SPEAKER_01And we're we're waiting for you when you arrive with an unprobed butthole.
SPEAKER_00Bye.
